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The Relationship With Self

The Relationship With Self

Welcome back to A Magical Life Podcast. I’m your host Magic Barclay and today it’s just me talking about the relationship with self.

Now I’m going to take you on a little journey here. So, here I am, I’m a teenager having a few problems at school. What was the problem? It was my relationship with myself. I didn’t know it then and I just blamed everyone else around me. No one understood me. You know, the usual teenage bit.

Fast forward a little bit. I change states. I start following my passions, my dreams. I enter a world where everyone is as large as life. The characters in this world are just so fascinating and amazing. I meet so many brilliant people in this world. Yet, I didn’t appreciate myself.

I didn’t know that. I was of service to others. I had great friends. I lived in a beautiful little home. I got to travel and follow my dreams in a very supercharged as I said, large as life world. But I just didn’t understand who I was. I was something for everyone else. I was a friend. I was a girlfriend. I was a co-worker. Apparently, I was an inspiration. But what was I to me? So then I came back to my home state and continued to follow my dreams.

I’ve always been one of those people that could do anything I put my mind to. For example, I used to race cars. I decided I was going to race cars and so I went and did it. So what was the problem? Seemed to have everything I ever wanted. I got to do whatever I ever wanted to do.

Fast forward a little bit. I marry someone. The wrong someone, but someone. I have two amazing children from that someone. But what was missing? My relationship with myself. I had an eating disorder and got married, and then I got pregnant very quickly and I had to then be a mom. I had to be something for someone else again.

Now, in Japan, there’s a saying that the most beautiful bowl is still useful, even with a crack in it. Because the bowl knows who the bowl is. It is not the crack it is the bowl. RuPaul, love her or not, states: How is anybody going to love you if you can’t love yourself? And that’s correct.

So going back to my life. I now have two children. I’m in a very unhappy marriage and it dawns on me: Who am I? Am I a wife, am I a mom, am I a friend, am I a daughter. No, I’m me. Light bulb moment for the first time in my life. Who am I? I am me. Do I have a relationship with that person? Nope, certainly did not.

So I looked back on everything that had happened in my life, everything that seemed to happen to me or around me, and realized it was happening because of me, because I did not have a relationship with myself.

Now, why are we talking about this today? Well, I think in health, weight loss ,and in wealth, this is key. If you don’t know who you are, and what you stand for, and accept that person and actually have a relationship with that person, you can’t achieve anything you want in life.

Health equals self care

So let’s look at health. We inherit a lot of health problems. What the grandmother has, the mother has, the daughter has. Things are genetic. Predispositions are genetic. Can they be fixed? Yes, certainly they can. But we do have predispositions to health issues that we know of and can viruses can be genetic?

My children have Epstein Barr because I had Epstein Barr and I didn’t know it. So there are a lot of genetic things in our health. Does that mean we can’t do something about it? No. You can always make changes for the better for yourself. But you have to understand what you want, why you want it, when you’re going to get it, how you’re going to get it ,and who it’s for? and who are you?

It’s not for anyone else, your health is not for anyone else. It is only for you. When I had a lot of weight and health issues when my children were small, I used to take them on holidays. I remember getting on a plane with them and they were both little. Now I’d done all the preparation, I’d made really strong ginger cookies for them to chew on in the plane so that their ears wouldn’t pop. You know, I had everything packed for them.

Most of the time, I forgot half of my own stuff, but everything was for them. So here we are on a plane. The children are one and three. And you know the safety procedure goes on. The hosty on the plane does the whole oxygen mask bit and I start to get angry because they said you have to put the mask on yourself before you put it on the children. And immediately I thought, “No, I do everything for my kids. Of course, they’re getting the mask first.” Why was I so triggered by it? And why could I not see that if I have no oxygen, no one can help them. Why?

Because I didn’t have a relationship with myself. So today’s episode is your oxygen mask. You need to grab it and you need to put it on. That is the first step in health, self care. We hear the word bandied about a lot. We hear all these professionals talking about self care a lot and it just becomes a bit of a buzzword in the background.

What does self care mean?

So let’s actually look at what that means. In terms of health, self care means understanding what you want for your health and what you can do about it yourself. You are not relying on other people you are relying on you. Here’s where you might see a natural health practitioner or a doctor, or a kinesiologist, or a chiropractor or anyone, but they’re not doing the work, you have to. First of all, you have to make the appointment. Second of all, you have to show up. Third of all you have to take in what they are saying.

You know, we see so many people come in and out of the clinic and I tell them what they need to do. I give them homework and more often than not, they don’t do the homework. So when they come in the following week to see me and haven’t gotten any better. It’s because they’re not really embracing self care.

I can give them all the tools, all the tips, but they have to actually do it. So what is self care? Self care is when you take responsibility to do something to care for yourself and in the arena of health, self care is a real thing. But maybe someone hasn’t exactly explained that to you. Self care is you taking responsibility to care for yourself.

The 3 Forms of Wealth

Let’s look at wealth. Building wealth is not just about finances, we’ve talked about this before on this podcast. Building wealth: yes, it is financial and it is stability and security and understanding that you can buy the things that you want, pay the bills that you need, and have a little bit leftover and have that little bit growing, that is financial wealth.

Spiritual wealth is understanding who you are, why you are and how you’re going to continue to be and then emotional wealth is understanding your feelings, embracing them and letting them happen. Too many times with emotional health, we bottle up our feelings. We disguise our feelings or hide them. Well, I can’t let that person see that I’m upset. Might upset them, might ruin their day, it might show weakness towards them and put me in danger.

The dangers of suppressed emotions

There are a lot of things that we do to suppress our emotions. We eat, we drink, we smoke, it might be drugs. It might be that you’re a keyboard warrior and that’s how you make yourself feel good by constantly typing out on your keyboard and having something to say on everything and that’s okay, no judgment. But when we suppress our emotions, we’re not fixing anything. We’re making it worse.

Suppressed emotions tend to have health consequences. So, when you are not building emotional wealth, you are building emotional decline and therefore, you are building health decline. Now, what does that mean? Trapped emotions or suppressed emotions can linger in our bodies. For example, the liver. The liver is a vital organ, it’s a burning furnace 24 seven, that accepts everything coming into the body. All chemicals, all sustenance, all fluid, all your blood travels through your liver. It’s your detox center.

The liver also stores trapped emotions and those emotions are fear, anger, anxiety, and frustration. Now when we store those in the liver, we can become very, very ill. You can get cirrhosis of the liver, you can get fatty liver, and you can get partial liver failure. You can get liver stagnation. Now, none of these things in your liver are good. Okay? They are not good.

The liver can only do so much and without it, you can’t live. It is your life force. As I said, it’s your detox center. It’s not something that you can just fill up with rubbish and then start again, you need this organ working for you. But when it’s full of trapped emotions, and the normally negative, quite dangerous emotions. When it’s full of these trapped emotions, it can’t do its job. It can’t keep you alive. So why would you suppress fear anger, hatred, frustration, anxiety. Why would you suppress those when you can have a moment of discomfort now and actually express them?

Now an example here would be, I’ve been dealing with a bully. Okay, I’m going to call this person out right here right now on this podcast. It stemmed from an incident where, yes, I did something wrong, I put my hand up, I completely did something wrong. But for the greater good. Am I excusing what I did? No, it was still wrong. But in the moment, I was very emotional. It was quite a tough moment and I put my keyboard warrior skills into gear before thinking.

This person decided to not just call me out on it, which I would expect anyone to do, because I’d already called myself out on it. This person got up in my face aggressively, standing over me actually spitting on my face as she berated me and all I could do was sit there and take it. I didn’t respond. I tried to, but she wouldn’t let me. So I shut myself down. I took this hatred of hers. This anger, this frustration, which was an overreaction (by the way) a big overreaction. The thing I did was about a 2 out of 10. Her response was about a 50 out of 10 and her response was aggressive, and full of venom.

Now, I thought, okay, she got it out of her system. Let’s move on. I again acknowledge I’ve done something wrong. Let’s move on. Did we move on? No. This person started spreading her venom and hatred to our larger group. She started influencing people, she started cutting me out of things that were going on. Not that she had the power to, but just her venom and her negativity, I stopped going, because I was suppressing my emotions.

Now I’m a health worker, and I love my body, and I love my health. But at this moment, to avoid the conflict, I avoided anything to do with this person. Some of it was petty. It would be, you know, a comment on Facebook, you know, put a post up in this group, and I would like everybody else’s comments and when she commented I wouldn’t like it. Childish, yes. Petty, yes. Did I feel good about it? Yep, sure, did. Because I didn’t want to drag everyone else in the group into what was going on. So I would find subtle ways to let everyone know that this person was not going to cross my path ever again.

Now that started affecting the volunteer work in the group, because this person would put tasks up that needed to be attended to, and I wouldn’t take them because she’d put them up, because I didn’t want to communicate with her at all. She was dead to me. Anyone that gets up my face and starts spitting on it as they’re screaming at me is dead to me. I won’t take that from anyone. So it was starting to affect my position in the group.

Now, this went on for several weeks and the stress of this going on, contributed to a major pitfall in my health. I was dealing with quite a few things. We were living in a moldy house. I was very, very stressed about a few things and then this bullying woman accelerated what she was doing and all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I ended up in the hospital with a suspected heart attack.

Was it a heart attack? Well, we’ll still never know. I’m fine. I put all my health practices into action. I swung right into action and I healed the situation for myself. But did this bullying woman and my response to her and my suppressed emotions contribute? Certainly. So here I was suppressing my emotions. I was angry at this woman. I was frustrated. I wasn’t scared of her, but I was scared of confrontation with her because of the effect it would have on the group.

I ended up cutting myself off from people that I really, really care about because they’re mutual friends. Why am I saying this now? Because of the effect it had on my health, suppressing the emotion was the worst thing I could do for myself. Could I build my emotional wealth? No, not while I was suppressing the emotion. Could I build my spiritual wealth? No. Because my spirit was hurting because of the situation. Could I build my financial wealth? Yes, I mean, it didn’t have anything to do with that. But two types of wealth and my health was suffering because of what happened with one person.

Weight Loss

Now we talk about weight loss here as well. Throughout my life, I’ve battled my weight. I’ve been anorexic, I’m five foot three and a half inches and my weight has fluctuated from 45 kilos when I was anorexic, to when I was super morbidly obese to 144 kilos and now I sit at 70 kilos, somewhere in the middle, so that’s not too bad.

But what happens to my weight when I’m unhappy about something? I’ll tell you. During my long drawn out divorce, my weight went back up and then it came down when I started to settle, when I started to accept my new life of freedom, my life with my children without constant unhappiness.

My weight began to drop again. Fast forward to this bullying incident and what happened to my weight? Up she goes 15 extra kilos. Why? My liver was toxic because of the trapped emotions. My self care was down because I felt pretty shitty about myself, which was the intended response from this bully. All bullies want you to feel bad about yourself so they can feel better about themselves. Let me just put that out there.

So my weight went up 15 kilos. Did that contribute to the possible heart attack? Certainly did. The whole scenario was just a continual series of insults. Some of them were created by someone else. But I made them mean something to my body. I made them affect my health. I made them affect my emotional and spiritual wealth and I allowed that to affect my weight loss.

So, the relationship with self is today’s topic. What can we glean from my series of lifetime events? And I’m sure you can do this for yourself. In fact, I’m going to ask you to do it for yourself. But first, let’s look at my lifetime of events. I lead other people to influence what happened to me, what my response was and to my detriment, because I didn’t have a relationship with myself.

Knowing your values are key

If I had known who I was, what my values were, what my beliefs were, I could have stood strong and tall and deflected anything from anyone else. So here’s what I want you to do. To create a relationship with yourself, you need to first of all understand your values. What do you hold dear to your heart? What is a non negotiable?

Now for me, my family is a very strong value. My freedom is another very strong value. I will no longer allow someone else to tell me what I have to do all the time. My freedom is key. My love for nature is a value. My love and care for animals is a value. Now these are all very high, very strong values to me. My self care is a value. So your values are things that are not negotiables – things that make you you and when they’re all wrapped up into a little ball, that is you. So I want you to go and make a list of all your values, your non negotiables, the things that make you you. Your beliefs are another part of this.

Your beliefs govern what your response will be. So a belief I have is environmental connection. The more I connect with the environment, connect with the animals in it, connect with the trees, connect with the earth, connect with the sky and the water, the more I understand that I am just one part of the world, the better off I’ll be because it will keep my ego in check. That is my belief, environmental connection. Now, your values and beliefs are just one part of your relationship with yourself. So what I want you to do is make a list of your values, make a list of your beliefs, and then make a list of what you’re going to do about it for you. Not for anyone else. But for you.

There’s a lot of heavy lifting in this episode for you, a lot of homework to do. So I’m just going to recap. You cannot have a relationship with anyone else until you have a healthy relationship with yourself. You cannot pour from an empty cup and if you don’t love yourself, who the hell is going to love you? There are just a few tips there about the relationship with self. I hope today’s been informative, it certainly has been quite cathartic for me getting that bully story out there. But you can see that holding on to something like that is extremely, extremely unhealthy.

Now coming up in Episode 16, we have Genaaleen Sanchez coming back to talk about energy, and all the facets of it, and in Episode 17, we have my friend Summer coming on talking to you about relationships and your value.

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